Running

When everyone walks out and the room goes quiet and the only thing you can hear is the sound of your inner voice - what do you do? Do you listen to it and engage in silent conversations with your soul where you answer the hard questions, honestly? Do you allow your mind to open and dig up the things that you’ve suppressed for years in order to get through each day without having a nervous breakdown? Do you welcome the opportunity to sit quietly and look into yourself to identify facets of your personality that need repair? I used to do that. But lately I’ve been drowning out my inner-voice.

Lately I’ve been drowning out myself.

Just now something stopped me and I had to listen to my voice. I tried to blast over her words via the YG station on Pandora but I couldn’t. What’s surprising is that she didn’t yell or cuss, like I do when mofo’s don’t listen to me. No, she spoke to me in her normal calm tone.

She asked, “What is it in you, at this point in life, that’s causing you to run from yourself?”

There are so many reasons why I’m running and someday I may be able to write about them publicly, but first I have to deal with them privately. But really this hide-and-seek game that I’ve been playing on the solo is an avoidance tactic I’ve employed, which isn’t working out so well anymore. However, try as I might, I know that the inevitable cannot be avoided. The proverbial shit always hits the fan.

I have some decisions to finalize, some things to repent for, some dead weight to shake off, and as always, some soul searching to do. Thank God I have God, which means I have the joy and strength needed to get through anything. It means that I can stop running from myself so I can do the work necessary to be a better representation of Him.

When I was 27 I went through what I call my “Enlightenment Period” where I went from being a young lady to a grown woman, mentally and spiritually. Now at 32 it feels like I’m preparing to go into another round, I guess I’ll call it EP 2.0. My energy is changing and so are my views on life. I’ve been running from that change because I know it’s going to shake things up. Change is tumultuous but it is so necessary.

Right now my biggest fear in life is failing; my second biggest fear is staying the same. If I fail to change then my two biggest fears will have come true; that may happen if I keep running from my inner-voice. So I’m going to slow down for a minute and deal with myself. Truth be told I don’t really like running anyway, I only do it because it’s excellent cardio.

For Which I am Grateful

I’ve been running around like a chicken with my head cut off the last 3 weeks but I needed to remind myself to be grateful at all times. So here’s my list of things:


For which I am grateful

1. Love

2. My grandmother’s spirit!

3. The adoration shown between my daughter and her father, it’s beautiful to see

4. My amazing mother

5. Music

6. Little girls dedicated to softball

7. Parents dedicated to their little girls

8. The formation of unlikely friendships

9. ESPN Radio

10. Sarcasm

11. The California Sun

12. Living room workouts

13. Jeans that once wouldn’t button can now be pulled on unbuttoned

14. Español

15. Pretty Brown Girls and the mothers who raise them

Darkness to Light

Inspired by a sermon I heard on 3/30/13 by Sr. Pastor Jessie Smith at First Covenant Church of Sacramento:


It seems easier to hide in the dark
Where I don't see my wretchedness
It hides the dirt on my hands, beneath my nails and caked up on my skin
I am dirty but protected by a cloak of ignorance
Darkness hides my sin
Relieves the guilt and shame
Allows me to remain
Oblivious
In bliss
But the Light exposes it
So I don't wanna come out into it
It's too harsh
The Light shows my righteousness
As it really is
But this filthy rag looks clean in darkness
It is easy to be blemish-free and spotless
When everything around you is as dark as the night

So I run from the Light
Into old abandoned mines
Into deep, hollow caves
I take cover there and wait
Hoping to get comfortable enough to stay
Hidden from the Son
But I feel the faint tugs on my heart strings
And the warmth that is in me
Even in this cold, gloomy place
I feel Him standing there
Looking upon me
Waiting patiently
Gently whispering
Softly ministering
To the darkness in my soul

I am compelled to roll back the stone
That kept me trapped and laden with fear
Separated from Love all these years
I peek around it to look for Him
And I hear Him call me by my name
He commands me to leave behind death and pain
Tells me that He rose to make me new again
Then He tells me to come out and live my life
So I step out from the darkness into His Light

And His blood washes me clean

Heirloom

In honor of Black History Month and the women who brought me up:


Strength is an heirloom I inherited from the strong black women who raised me
They gave me
Broad shoulders to shoulder the burdens that I would come to bear
They made me
See with more than just my eyes
Taught me to look up toward the sky
They showed me
How to live with a humble heart and maintain my black pride

These beautiful black women, multi-faceted and immensely skilled
Have lived for years with backs made to endure double shifts
They've lived for years nurturing children and bestowing upon us their gifts
I had clothes on my back. Home-cooked meals on my plate
No microwaves - I ate like it was Sunday dinner everyday

They didn't have much to work with materialistically
But they always made sure to provide me with my needs
They put me up on game, shaped my reality
Taught me to seek wisdom & pray incessantly

And so I have faith and pray incessantly
For the wise women who protected me and did their best to be
Role models
Who worked desperately to raise me carefully and with love
And even tho some of the things I experienced growing up were rough
I know
That basically they made me the woman I am today

The elasticity in my spirit that makes me bold and resilient
Is something I've had for a while
My grit is a gift
From them
I inherited their strength
I am an heiress
And this heirloom I pass on to my child

Ashe.
~SJ

The Music

I was listening to Kendrick Lamar's album (again) and marveling at his unique style. He kinda takes me back to when I was 16 and hearing Outkast's ATLien's joint for the first time. Like Outkast, Lamar spits old-soul knowledge over futuristic tones and this dichotomy is something of an aphrodisiac to me (don't judge my life :-D).

When I listen to music I do so fully understanding it's power, so I can enjoy any music genre without becoming overwhelmed by the mood of its songs. But these kids today, you know the automatons who walk or skateboard around in skinny jeans, and snap backs - unfortunately, they don't seem to recognize the influence of music. They follow their favorite artists and ride on their every word. I feel sorry for them, especially the female automatons because the game is harder on them... So I paused Good Kid M.A.A.D City for a moment and this is what came out, pardon the profanity:

I learn about life through music videos and rap songs
No wonder why I see shit wrong
No wonder why I think I need a fat ass wit a weave, hella long
And a dude wit his pimp hand strong

This music might be messin with my soul
Seepin into my mind thru osmosis
And I’m oblivious, so I don’t notice
I just know that
When 2Chainz come on
I wanna be that big booty hoe on ‘the birthday song’

I'm trynna be the bad bitch wit my ‘middle finger up to my competition’
As I ‘pull up to the scene wit my ceiling missin’
I aspire to be the next video vixen cuz
‘I’m different, yeah I’m different’

But maybe these other 'hoes' and I are just the same
The beat might have frazzled our brains
Cuz I don’t understand why being a jump off is lame
And I belieeeeeve
In the power of fame
It's not a game

It's 'tru'

My momma would prolly be ashamed
To see how this music & Mollies got me ‘lovin the crew’ backstage
But I’m amazed by the lyrics
And the beat
Got me dazed to the point where I don’t listen, I just hear it

I don’t listen, I just feel it

Head bobbin while my fingers snap
And then them bandz get ta poppin
So my ass claps…

'Round of applause' for me
I look up and see this baller rainin dollars on me
But the beat drowns out the Heavens callin on me
So I fail to hear Him warn about it fallin on me

Got damn this beat!

Got damn this beat for making me think
That the beat was all I need
Muting what I once heard of John 3:16
Changing the rhythm of my dreams

The beat

Prolly made me forget about Him
And what my childhood pastor taught me about sin
Maybe I shoulda ignored the beat and
Listened to the words to dissect them

Coulda devised a vaccine to keep from getting infected by them
But now I am so affected by them
That I don’t even see the cause and effects of them

I am too far gone to recognize the influence
I just do the stupid shit I do, cuz that’s how I do it
Nah, it ain’t the beat that makes me do it

It has absolutely nothing to do
With the music.

~SJ

Safehouse

The path that led us here is falling away, like a house of cards
Gone are the guards that once surrounded this place
It’s now up to us to protect it if we decide to stay

Here – where it was once safe
Months ago
When the sunshine made the days long
And our hearts warm
And the nighttime conversations carried on and on...
Was I wrong
Or did it feel like we were building a foundation
On top of common ground?

A safehouse
Secure enough for the gestation of love
Stable enough to explore the possibilities of
What you and I could have been
A place for us to experiment
With the positive bond that we found

But now
The ground that held us up has begun to shake
As the charge between us dissipates
And that house that we once thought was safe
Is now being blown away

By an ice cold Chicago wind


~SJ